3 more to go.
hahahaha, i MISS you!!!
mengeramkan.. =.="
so so soooooo tempted to go and find youuuuuu.
=(
i know... i've gotta get used to talking to you. to sharing about how i feel.
argh! silly elizabeth.. finds it so hard just to open your big mouth..as if got gold inside..
so let me tell you what happened.
last night, my roomie suddenly popped the most random question as she was about to sleep. She asked me, "what do you like about mr.bf ?" okay.. actually it's not the most random question.. but quite random at that moment.. =p
and hmm, so we had a short girly talk.
I don't think i answered her question though......... hahahaha, it just made me thought a lot...
I guess i ended up telling her what i felt..
and the last thing i said to her before she dozed off on me?
"i think i'm a bad girlfriend......"
* * *
the dream?
short, sweet version? OR complicated, long version?
haha, okay. i'll try to be short, but it might most probably end up long... =(
I dreamt that mr. bf wanted to break up with me. But he didn't tell me directly, i found out through a friend. (In the dream), he didn't know how to tell me face-to-face, and so just dissappeared...
[ironically though, it seems more like what i would do rather than him.. =p.. running away...]
maybe what was scary, frightening, traumatizing, mentally draining, shocking, nerve-wrecking, upsetting..... etc etc. about this dream was.......... it felt very real.. at least to me...
i think i was just shock and numb in the dream.. like i think what i felt was like... why couldn't he tell me.... =(..... and maybe if i'm honest with myself, felt cheated? haha, okay, that's too strong a word.. =p
but i woke up with tears in my eyes? silly girl. argh!
anyway, i had another dream, it felt so real as well!!! eeee..
yah, dreamt that i told mr. bf about the dream...
and then woke up, realizing i was dreaming... but yet everything remained so fresh...i guess the emotions felt so real.
i hate having dreams like this... it's just draining. tiring. disturbing.
like i'd have dreams that i'm so so soooo angry at my parents that i would be shouting at them and i would wake up crying and angry!
but then i'd just turn confused, because when i thought about my parents, i wasn't angry at them at all,.... i mean.. like i couldn't understand what i felt such strong angry emotions towards them in the dream...
then i'd turn afraid and think that maybe i'm unconsciously angry at them.... and i'm just surpressing it... and scared that i might just burst out in reality at them one day.
about the mr. bf dream?
i don't know.
it's disturbing maybe because even though i always try to mentally prepare myself for the worse, telling myself i'd be alright whatever happens, maybe in reality, i won't really know how to handle it..
or maybe, it's.... being so paranoid of people suddenly doing unexpected things that unpredictability just really scares me..and i just expect the worst.
or it could be cos i'm just so confused.
argh.
my friend told me i was crazy when i told her about the dream.. and she said i shouldn't be thinking such nutty thoughts and that it just shows how much i love him. Yes, haha, i guess it definitely made me realize how much he means to me and yes, i do most definitely love him. although i know sometimes i just won't admit it because i think i'm protecting myself.
and yes, my roomie has told me that i'm being selfish by doing so.
i don't know. maybe the dream is so traumatizing, because in the dream, i thought to myself, "i should have known this would happen and should have never gotten into it the 1st place..."
so maybe i'm scared, because sometimes the outcomes in dreams come out teribly. bad. and more often that not, you can't control what you say, do... or what happens. just like me being angry and shouting at my parents.
but in reality, we have free-will? and we have a conscious choice for every actions we make and the ability to control our emotions to a certain extent.
hmmm. maybe blogging this out actually made me realize why the dream was so bad i nearly went insane. hahaha, i think i was close to just going crazy. laughing and crying at lecture until people around were looking.. so embarassing.. haha, but i think at that time i didn't care...
just felt.. overwhelmed thinking about it.
yes, and that's why i need God. because i'm a totally messed-up person.
imperfect in every possible way, with flaws written all over.
and maybe it will always amaze me that God still loves us, and that He will send His son to die so that we can be justified.
and maybe that's the beauty to Christianity to me,
because i know i will always fail,
i know i will always dissappoint myself and others and God, even though i can try the best as i can,
i know i don't always have the right answer and do not always know what i'm doing,
the beauty is that it's not about me.... but it's about Jesus.
and He is indeed perfect in every possible way.
and that's probably what keeps me sane despite all the weird, confusing, complicated things that happen in my life, be it in reality or in dreams...
He's my rock, my fortress, my stronghold, my salvation, my hope.
ya, that even if i go insane, even if i go blind, even if everyone hates me for whatever reason, even if everyone i love leaves me,
I know He won't.
I know He will still be there standing with arms open wide.
because?
because even though i rejected him, denied him, throwed stones at him, spat at his face, ... he still lovingly died on the cross on my behalf..
what more could i ever ask for?
and ya, the will of God will not lead you where the grace of God will not keep you. (:
yes, i should stop thinking about the dream.
maybe i utterly HATE thinking about it becoming real.. but yes, EVEN IF, it happens,
I know God will be there. (:
heee.
yes, he's more than i ever dreamt of. yet makes me think too much.
so many things going on.
i feel so inadequate.
i hate being a dissapointment.
i hate letting you down.
anyway.. i LOVE my roomie! haha. =D
and being in a relationship is so much more complicated than i imagined.. or maybe it's just me.
haha, think too much.
STOP THINKING!!!
anyway.. i have a tute soon... with a quiz.. which i have no idea how to do..
and lately, i've been waken up at weird hours in the wee morning!! hahahhahaa.
i miss my sleep!!! =p
okay, as you can probably see, i lack sleep and thus can't really think properly, which explains for all this babbling.
haha, i reckon i should update my blog more often!
too much has been happening! haha.
bible study tonight on Daniel! (:
i've shift house! =D
with my new roomie! Jess!
hahaha, i very lazy to blog d! too much been happening! LOL. but it's been good.
Sem 2 started this week!
Only working once a week.. not sure whether should find another job.
it's gonna be a busy year left!
Unilodge bible study had our social event yesterday.
CIF is having Christmas in July this sun! come!!! =p
(: i've got you now! haha.
haha, i'm sleep deprived!
Be honest, who texted you last?
Jessica
Name something great that happened today?
Law exam is over!!! =p haha
Has anyone told you they missed you lately?
Erm, yea.. friends! (:
Where did you get the shirt you're wearing right now?
Perth!
What's your middle name?
Lim
What's the last song you listened to?
In Christ Alone - Brian Littrell... awesome awesome song!! =p
Where could I have found you last Saturday?
can't remember... hehe, bad memory.
What brand of digital camera do you own?
Kodak?
Was yesterday better than today?
Yesterday was history , today is good , tomorrow is a mystery .
Do you think long distance relationships work out?
If you're willing to work it out and put in effort & commitment. (:
Do you wear makeup everyday?
haha, no..
Do you know anyone with the same name as you?
Yeap! ^^
Do you have any siblings?
yea, 2 brothers!
What are you doing right now?
Answering this question. .. haha, stoning.
Who was the first person you talked to today?
My housemate - Andrew
Did you talk to anyone before you went to bed last night?
Erm.... don't think so.
Are you waiting for something?
... haha, not sure.
When was the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face?
hmm... haha, haven't been that angry yet?
Is there anyone that hates you right now?
maybe... =(
Do you like being around a large group of friends, or two best friends?
I think i'd prefer 2 best friends... haha, don't really like big big groups.
How did you feel when you woke up today?
Law exam soonnnnn!!! wake up wake up!
Are you the shortest of all your friends?
Hahaha , probably one of the shortest.. =b
What does your hair look like?
weird! haha, kinda just woke up from a nap
Do you care about what people think?
yeap. i used to care A LOT. probably much less now. haha.
What would you do if the door bell rang and it was Lil Wayne?
who's that?? =.="
Do you consider yourself spoiled?
Haha, in certain areas... sometimes.
Have you ever gotten a speeding ticket?
nopez... haha, i've gotten a parking ticket though..
What time did you go to bed last night, why?
Around 3 am?... supposely trying to studying for my law exam... couldn't sleep.
Are you a jealous person?
Sometimes, haha, learning to be content. (: Philippians!
What was the last thing you ate and where?
Chocolates! =D in my room.
Do you take pills daily?
Nope.
Wearing any bracelets?
No.
What were you doing at 8am this morning?
Getting ready to go uni for law exam!! hahaha.
What's the last compliment you received?
'You're got a nice skin'
Have you seen HSM3 yet?
hehe, ape itu? sorry, pretty outdated on movies/shows...
Who are you closest to in your family?
parents?.... erm... can't decide whether mum or dad.. haha, maybe my dad.
Do you say sexy a lot?
erm.. don't think so. haha, i say 'heng' a lot..
What color are your socks?
in all sorts of colours.. =D
Are you a bad influence?
hahaha, in a certain way, yes.
Who last called you?
My dad. (:
What's your ring tone?
Jay Chou song! =p
What were you doing at 12am last night?
Walking home from Ivan & Erica's house.. haha
Last time you smiled because you got a text?
Thursday morning. (:
Do you straighten your hair everyday?
Nopez.
Has anyone ever told you that you have pretty eyes?
haha, ya...
Are you over 18 or under?
Over 18!
Your plans for this weekend?
study for finance and accounting exam in less than 5 days time!! haha, tak jadi!
Do you know anyone with the same birthday as you?
yeap! Jaclyn!
What time is it?
12.35AM
Do you miss anyone?
YES, A lot of people! =(
* * * *
hee, exams in progress.
